i think (read: think) i know why it’s been so difficult for me to write on here. you see, at my very core, i’ve always thought myself an idealist through and through. that attribute always seemed to translate and weave itself into my writing, which was more often than not, inclined toward that whimsical nature. but lately i’ve found myself grounded in reality. it’s a strange transition, no doubt. yeah, i’m not reluctant to dream and fabricate the way i would, but i’ve strayed from getting caught up in the insatiability of wanting it all and thinking that anything less was lackluster—and am now working on realizing the necessity of utilizing with what i’ve been given. and from where i stand, i can say that what i’ve been given has been plenty—it’s a matter now of taking that, cultivating it, turning it into something tangible, turning it into something i can give back.

because truthfully, i want to give you guys everything. because you deserve it. and i do this for you as much as i do this for me. i just want that job that’ll take care of you and put you at ease: round trip ticket to wherever, whenever, treat you to dinner out, and tell you about all the times i wish i’d straight up said a word of thanks, because hindsight is 20/20 and i’m seeing all those moments i’d missed now with startling clarity. just wanna make you proud because you deserve that much. 

what i’m trying to say is that i’ve been blessed with some really amazing influences. some really genuine people, who’ve left their imprints all over my character, and i’ll wear those imprints like a badge, the better part of me.

it’s difficult for me to write in this context, because my head’s filled with prose and long-winded sentences to construct the feeling, but there really is no better way to do this other than straight up and honestly. really though, i’m just rendered speechless by the amount of gratitude for the love and support i’ve been given. i’ve been anchored in reality because i can see i’ve got what i need right in front of me.

so i guess this was a post about how i can’t seem to write anymore, says the girl who’s tangent is now completely off the page, like, not even on the same plane anymore